I have a son. He’s a pretty decent bloke and I’m proud of him.
There I said it, the ‘P’ word!
I vividly remember when he was in his teens, you know that 14 year old boy stage; he was a bit, well, difficult. Being a mum, and not growing up with brothers, I scoured the internet for advice and recommendations. The experts of the time said things like, ‘Don’t use words like proud, it makes young men shut down and it’s not good for their growth’. They said that if I used the ‘P’ word I would be reinforcing concepts such as external validation, shifting the focus to the parent, and creating conditional parent approval.
It seemed to make sense at the time. Anytime I brought up those feelings words, my son did seem to take a step back. So I avoided words that seemed to stir up emotions because the response I got wasn’t in my favour.
Looking back now, and knowing some stuff about Affect Psychology, I think I missed a bunch of opportunities. I missed the chance to engage in helpful conversations and build an emotional intelligence that would serve him well into adulthood.
If we avoid uncomfortable conversations about emotional intelligence with our children, we run the risk of negative impacts on their emotional and psychological development (Dent, 2020 and Raising Children Network).
In the school context, we need to use emotional words and having feelings conversations with the boys and young men in our classes. It builds an emotional intelligence that helps them recognise, understand and manage the strong feelings that emerge in pre-adolescence through to adulthood. Effectively communicating is the key to a healthy life and healthy relationships. If we also add the skill of being able to let people know how we are feeling and how particular things are impacting us, then we are more likely to have functional relationships both personally and professionally.
Unexpressed emotions can and do present as behavioural problems in our classrooms. Talking about our emotions and feelings can help teachers to identify and understand the root causes of these behaviours and then plan accordingly to support the student.
The ability to identify and talk about our emotions is also a stress release. Building capabilities to say I am overwhelmed, rather than punching a wall or hiding in a video game (or bottle if you are an adult), creates an opportunity for boys and men to articulate and manage these feelings rather than reacting and hurting those around them. Not only that, positive reinforcement and emotional support are vital to building well-grounded men with strong self-esteem.
Lucky for me I have a pretty decent son who is well adjusted. I am so incredibly proud of his achievements and his kind, caring nature. I’m so bloody proud that as a high school PE teacher, he has the emotional intelligence to have these much-needed conversations with his students. Just the other day a student sought him out and trusted him enough to share strong emotions with him, resulting in support being offered and accepted at a crucial moment.
I’m so fortunate to be able to say he’s my son and I’m proud of that. Love you mate.
Check out other articles Candice has written here.