There’s a kid in your school – maybe in your class – who is lonely.
Not just, ‘left out at lunchtime’ lonely. Not just, ‘hasn’t found their tribe’ lonely. We’re talking chronically lonely. The kind of loneliness that Together, Vivek Murthy’s brilliant book, describes as a serious health risk, as damaging as smoking 15 cigarettes a day.
Give that an extra moment’s thought. This is the price of loneliness as diagnosed by a medical professional who became the Surgeon General of his country.
Fifteen cigarettes a day! That’s how much chronic loneliness erodes a person’s wellbeing. And our schools? They’re full of lonely kids.
Lonely kids aren’t always the quiet ones sitting solo in the yard. Some are loud. Some cause trouble. Some withdraw so completely that they become invisible. Loneliness in schools is an epidemic – one we don’t measure, but we do see.
In many ways, the structures of our schools today feed loneliness:
- Transactional classrooms. Do the work, get the grade, move on. No deep connection needed.
- Rigid behaviour policies. When the response to kids struggling is to isolate, suspend, or punish, we reinforce their separation.
- The rise of individualised learning. More tech, more screens, more ‘independent learning’ often means fewer opportunities for human connection.
Our system isn’t just failing lonely kids – it’s producing them.
Are there any answers? Murthy argues that connection is the cure. It sounds simple, but in schools, connection has to be deliberate. It won’t just happen.
Four ideas for getting started:
- Stop treating school like a content-delivery service. Make every lesson a chance to connect, not just consume.
- Replace punishment with restoration. Suspension, detention and exclusion don’t just fail to fix behaviour – they deepen disconnection. Instead of removing kids from the community, pull them in. Done well, restorative practices aren’t about avoiding consequences. They’re about repairing harm through connection.
- Make belonging a school-wide goal. We measure attendance and performance, but how often do we measure belonging? Every student should have at least one adult at school who truly sees them. If a kid has no connection with a teacher, mentor, or peer, that’s a crisis.
- Check your own social health. Teachers and school leaders aren’t immune to loneliness. If you’re drowning in admin, disconnected from your colleagues and running on empty, your students feel it too. We need to build staff connection as deliberately as student connection. A staffroom that feels like a dentist’s waiting room isn’t helping anyone.
Keep fighting that good fight,
P.S. It’s not too late to join our Student Behaviour PhD. It’s completely online, meaning you can learn in your own time, at your own pace.
The course is grounded in solid theory, but we have designed it to be extremely practical. You’ll get key strategies you can implement right away. You’ll be able to experiment in your classroom. Try the strategies in a way that suits your own teaching style. Give things a go multiple times, reflect, hone your skills and build your confidence.
P.P.S. Whenever you’re ready… here are a few other ways I reckon we can help:
- Grab a free copy of my book, Restoring Teaching
It’s the bible for how to work restoratively in a modern school context and I’ve just released a second edition. And it’s free – you just pay shipping. Get your copy here.
- Book a School Culture Strategy Session
If you’re a school leader, the most important job you have is to lead the culture of your school. We’re here to help. In 30–45 minutes we’ll help you create a vision for your school culture, make some critical decisions and document your action plan. Click here to book.
- Work with us in a School Culture Partnership
This is our bread and butter. It’s what we’re famous for. It’s not a program, it’s a true partnership, where we work side by side for three years to transform the culture of your school. Let’s make a time to get to know you and your school, tell you about how we work, and see if it’s a fit. Just hit reply and say, “Let’s chat.”
Want to subscribe to Adam’s Home Truths? Simply subscribe here.