Let’s collectively strengthen the way we foster relationships throughout the years of schooling.
Grunt (special verb noun): Attitude of the aging learner where the answer to the reasonable question ‘How was school today?’ is met with a shrug of the shoulders, or at best, an audible sound that fails to resemble words.
Being a Primary School Principal made me a better High School Principal. The privilege of being a Principal in Primary (K-6), Secondary (7-12), and Central School (K-12) settings, and leading the school my three kids attended, afforded me deeply valued learning and reflections. This not only made me a better leader, but also a better parent (full disclosure…still working on both areas as a lifelong learner…often learning the hard way)!
Our eldest son Josiah started high school this year. Despite a career in education I became ‘that parent’. Yep, the one who unnecessarily stressed about my son’s ability to take such a big transitional step, like taking on the challenge of Year 7! How was he going to function at high school following a timetable and completing assignments? Will he have mates in class? Will he tell me when he’s had a bad day? Will his high school teachers care for him with the same commitment his primary school teachers did?
This got me thinking…
- How, as a career educator, can I have these worries?
- Where are these worries coming from?
- How might these worries play out for parents not in education?
- What might this mean for partnerships shared between parents and schools?
Kids may talk less…but parents don’t stop caring
Parent engagement is significantly high in the early years, falls away for the middle bit, then peaks again at the business end when both school and parents are assessing if we’ve done an adequate job creating a learned and capable citizen. Interestingly, while our young people move through school (becoming fluent in grunt), I’ve observed that levels of care parents have for their children, and their interest in their child’s education, remains consistently strong.
What shifts can you make to ensure relationships don’t fall away in the middle bit of schooling (particularly Years 5-9)?
Challenging beliefs
As a principal in both primary and high school settings, I’ve issued plenty of well-intentioned but unhelpful advice to countless Year 6 and Year 7 parents. Saying things like, “Don’t worry, your child is in good hands,” or “Kids are far more resilient than we give them credit for,” and even “All kids go through this transition, and we haven’t lost one of em yet!” This may have assisted with calming parent nerves, but on reflection, these statements robbed parents and schools the opportunity to manage the middle bit of schooling a little more productively, and through the thing we all benefit from most, quality relationships.
What I should have encouraged was an ongoing relational investment as partners in learning.
What can we do to avoid falling into the trap of believing that high school is different to primary school?
Connection through conversation
The quality of your conversations is determined by the quality of the questions you ask. Even when you’re not using words! When we are relational, we’re WITH others. We’re both interested and invested, and what better way to demonstrate that than by asking sincere questions. A close friend recently shared a life hack with me, advising me to hug my kids often, and when I did, not to let go until they did. Hugs with my kids have never been better, asking the quality question, “How long does this hug need to be?” without even saying a word. Profound!
How beneficial would developing the skill of asking questions (verbal and non-verbal) be in the quest to disrupt young people conversing in fluent grunt?
Two replacement behaviours:
1. Ask Young People Quality Questions
Instead of “How’s your day going today?” (teacher) or, “How was school today?” (parent), try…
- “What was something that made you laugh today?” (Light-hearted, gets them thinking about social moments).
- “Was there a part of your day that surprised you?” (Invites reflection, even on small things).
- “Who did you spend the most time with today?” (Opens up about friendships and social dynamics).
- “What’s something you learned today that was actually interesting?” (Breaks the idea that school = boring).
2. Let Go Last
Try the hug thing that I mentioned earlier. Your kids will let you know how long they need each hug to be. And the sense of connection you get from ‘let go last hugs’ is next level. Oh…and hug often.
(Teachers: Recommended practice with your own kids, not the kids you borrow every day at work).
Let’s get intentional
Primary Colleagues: How can you develop a deeply ingrained relational habit in your parent community such that they wouldn’t consider anything less throughout their child’s high school years?
Secondary Colleagues: Where do opportunities exist to establish and maintain productive relationships before Year 7 students have even set foot in the door?
Parents: How relentless will you be in your relational conviction to be close to, and have productive partnerships with, both your child (children) and their school(s) K-12?
Together, let’s get kids talking and connecting more. Sure, we can let them slide with a grunt or two here or there, but let’s not allow them to become fluent in that practice.
