Every teacher knows that moment. A slammed chair, a shout of “I don’t care,” or a refusal to budge. Every teacher also knows that Term 4 generally brings more of those moments, as stress can be high and anxiety around impending change with classes and teachers are on the horizon. In those moments, it can feel like the only choices are to crack down or give in. But there’s a third way – one that doesn’t reward poor behaviour and doesn’t damage relationships, particularly at this late stage of the school year. A restorative approach to de-escalation gives students a path back to safety, and gives us the chance to teach resilience and repair once the storm has passed.
Kids do well if they can
When a young person is dysregulated, they’re not plotting ways to get out of class. They’re struggling with lagging skills and unmet needs. And when the brain is stuck in survival mode, no amount of reminding of rules or reasoning is going to land.
What you see and what you NEED to see…
At first glance, you might see James sitting in the leadership office playing Lego after yelling at his teacher, or hear Sam being invited into a game of chess with the deputy – even though he was just moments ago standing dangerously at the top of a slide with a scooter. You might see Sarah taking a walk (with the principal’s permission) to the canteen after interrupting the whole class learning time. To an outside eye, it can look like we’re rewarding unsafe choices or letting behaviour slide.
But what’s really happening is far more intentional. These aren’t “treats” or “rewards.” They’re circuit-breakers – small bridges back to safety and connection. An invitation to build, play or eat isn’t about excusing behaviour; it’s about creating the conditions where the young person’s nervous system can settle, where they’re ready to talk, reflect and repair.
The story you’re creating
From the outside, it’s easy to create the wrong story: James is being rewarded with Lego. Sam is getting chess for being unsafe. Sarah is getting away with disrupting the class. The narrative becomes: This kid is disrespectful. They’re wasting time. They don’t care and they’ll never learn.
But the real story is very different. In those moments, the young person isn’t calculating how to dodge responsibility. They’re overwhelmed. They don’t yet have the words or the regulation to deal with what’s happening. They’re in survival mode, not problem-solving mode.
That’s where we, as the adults, have a choice. We can crack down in the heat of it – but where would that get us? The behaviour might stop in the moment because we’ve told Sarah to ‘get out’, but the relationship is damaged, and no skills have been built.
Or we can take the high road: create safety first by giving the student what they need in that moment, not what we think they deserve, then circle back later to address the behaviour.
De-escalation in that moment is not avoidance. It’s the groundwork for accountability later.
Bruce Perry, psychiatrist and Author of ‘The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog’ reminds us that the sequence for working with dysregulated young people means not trying to reason before regulation. When a meltdown happens:
- Regulate – Step back from the power struggle, lower your voice, offer a circuit-breaker.
- Relate – Show the student they’re still valued, even when their behaviour isn’t.
- Reason – Once calm, explore what happened, what harm was caused, and how to repair it.
This is the point where restorative practices shine. We move beyond compliance to deeper questions.
- Past: What happened? What were you thinking and feeling?
- Present: Who has been affected? How are things now?
- Future: What needs to happen to make things right? What can we do differently next time?
The High Road
In the end, taking the high road isn’t about letting kids get away with poor behaviour. It’s about recognising that discipline and teaching happen in stages. First we bring the nervous system back online. Then we hold young people to account, support them to repair harm, and build the skills they need to do better next time.
The goal isn’t control. The goal is connection. And from connection and relationships, genuine change becomes possible.
As Rita Pierson famously said:
“Kids don’t learn from people they don’t like.”
When we de-escalate restoratively, we move beyond behaviour management to relationship-building, creating the trust that makes real accountability and growth possible.
In these final weeks, the challenge is to hold the line on behaviour without losing connection – that’s the real work of restorative practice.
