Being in schools is fabulous. Kids are kids, doing their thing on any given day with a smile. Teachers and leaders working to get the very best out of their people and for their people.
Often, the work of Restorative Practices focuses on the work we do with the students, however, the other groups – parents and colleagues – are just as important.
Stakeholder protection is important. Our colleagues and parents are important. The relationships that we build or damage, matter.
As adults working in a system, there are going to be times where you have a difference of opinion. Perhaps someone has done something a little differently to you. Maybe they have responded in a way that was surprising to you. They may have even upset you in some way. Perhaps they just didn’t like something that you said. This is a very normal consequence of working with people – because people – all of us – can be really tricky.
When we understand and work in a deeply restorative way, we know that when this happens – we go and have a chat. We begin a conversation with curiosity and kindness. We know that when we initiate a restorative chat, we are generally well received, especially when the intent is to understand.
Try these:
“Hey, can I just grab you for a second? I feel like we have something unspoken between us?”
Or:
“Hey, I am wondering if we might chat. I am feeling a little unsettled and I need to check in with you to check myself here.”
Even:
“I need to let you know that I was disappointed that you didn’t chat to me directly, can we talk about that please?”
If we put off the conversation, go around to another person, perhaps a leader, we do nothing but risk further damage. More than risk damage, we cause it. The faster we can move from damage to repair, the better the chances of restoring the relationship.
As people who work in schools, or any institution or company, where there is more than one person then you will know exactly what I mean. When relationships between adults are damaged, repair can be hard, but it is incredibly important. At their essence, most people are good and want to do the right thing.
Generally, it is fear that stops us reaching out. Fear of how the other person will either receive us or react. Usually, we discover that this fear was unfounded. No-one like having these types of conversations and yet it is through these that mutual respect can begin to develop.
If you need to frame your thinking around the other person, perhaps because of previous or ongoing issues, practising unconditional positive regard might be the place to start.
Unconditional positive regard asserts:
- Non-judgemental acceptance – value the person for who they are even though you don’t agree with their behaviour.
- Create a safe space – this acceptance creates a psychologically safe environment without fear of reprisal.
- Separate the person from the behaviour – you can call out a negative behaviour and still hold positive regard for the person.
- Foster self-worth – when people feel genuinely accepted, self-worth increases.
- Promote growth and change – people are encouraged to reflect on their thoughts and actions which can lead to change.
Working in a deeply restorative setting takes courage. The courage to have a chat and clear up the misunderstanding as quickly as possible so that everyone can get back to the core work.
If you find yourself wanting to avoid having a chat with a colleague or parent, take a moment and remember – people are good, they want to do the right thing and, we are just having a moment right now. The chat takes a few minutes, it builds relationship and is always worth it.
Check out other articles Cassie has written here.