Not so long ago, I was running a workshop on Leading Whole School Behaviour Improvement, where we dug into a critical conversation about student shame.
Kids should feel shame. It’s the nudge from your conscience that says, “You’ve fallen short and you’ve got some repair work to do.” When authority figures like teachers and school leaders help kids do that work, and then thank them for taking responsibility, the shame can be cast aside.
But when schools add shame — public humiliation, labels, eye-rolls — kids spiral deeper into it. The shame of being “that kind of kid” sticks. It’s the kind of humiliation that makes challenging kids even more challenging.
I asked the group if their school leadership might be causing excessive shame. Kim, an experienced Assistant Principal, audibly gasped.
“What’s going on for you?” I asked.
She thought for a moment, then said, “I’ve gotta get rid of that chair outside my office.”
You know the one – the chair that houses the kid who’s messed up, waiting for their fate at the hands of a busy-at-the-moment leader.
Over lunch, Kim shared her realisation: that every time a student walked past and laughed, or an adult frowned disapprovingly, that chair served up another teaspoon of stigma. Another dose of you don’t belong here.
Reintegrative shame is powerful. It teaches students to listen to their conscience and respond with maturity when they mess up.
But stigmatising shame? That’s poison. It hardens the kids who most need to soften.
Kim’s “Naughty Chair” is now gone for good.
Choose your shame wisely. Be like Kim.
Keep fighting that good fight,
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