Over dinner recently, my son mentioned he’d reconnected with a friend he’d fallen out with in high school. Social media has a way of bringing people from our past back into our lives.
It got me thinking about “The Fallouts.”
For many young people, friendship breakdowns feel like a rite of passage. As they move through adolescence, friendship groups shift, loyalties are tested, and values begin to take shape.
In this particular friendship, a young man in the group had been treating girls poorly –making offensive comments and spreading rumours. At the time, the group responded by dropping him. They stopped talking to him. He was excluded because his behaviour didn’t align with the values they held.
The intention was understandable. In fact, I remember having the conversation with my son and saying, “Is this someone you want to keep being friends with?”
The impact was different.
What became clear in the recent conversation my son had with him is that he never really understood just how he had fallen short with his mates. He simply knew he wasn’t wanted anymore or part of the group.
That conversation highlighted somethings for me…
- Young people shouldn’t have to wait years to resolve conflict.
- Exclusion rarely teaches what needs to be learned.
- Belonging and accountability can exist together.
- Healthy conflict resolution helps young people understand the impact of their actions.
- Restorative conversations create opportunities for perspective, learning and repair.
Would they have remained friends? Maybe. Maybe not.
But when we support young people to navigate conflict restoratively, they can make informed decisions about whether to strengthen a friendship or walk away from it – with a shared understanding rather than silence.
As a teacher, leader and principal, I’ve facilitated countless restorative conversations with students navigating friendship challenges – many stemming from simple miscommunication. Rarely did it take just one conversation; often it took many reps, until students developed the confidence and skills to have those conversations themselves. One Year 6 student captured this perfectly in a parting letter when she wrote…
Our role isn’t to prevent conflict. It’s to help young people learn how to work through it.
In doing so, we’re rewriting the narrative around friendship breakdowns – from exclusion as the first response, to conversation as the first step.
The skills young people develop through these moments extend and serve well beyond the schoolyard. That’s why restorative conversations matter, every single time.
Not just to navigate conflict and tensions productively, but to enrich and enhance relationships, teams, families and communities long after the last school bell has sounded.
